Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
