listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
