Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
