Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
