This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
