Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
