He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
