It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
