I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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