My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
