he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
you never un-have a 4some
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
