The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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