I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
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They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
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Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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