I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
