my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
