38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
