we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Couch. On fire.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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