They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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