if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
