remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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