i'm signing you up for texting rehab
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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