Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
