So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
