Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
