CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
