Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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