he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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