so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
