Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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