I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
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On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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