So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
