Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
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He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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