Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
it's great music for shaving your balls
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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