Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
