woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
