Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
