it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
you made out with another girl for some wings
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
