I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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