Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
