I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
