Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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