Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
