textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
