the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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