You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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