dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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