Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
