my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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