that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
