New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
