How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
