this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
