i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
