i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
