I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
