you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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